Monday, June 7, 2010

Clocking Out

I cashed in on my birthday/anniversary/Mothers Day gift and had a "Me" day yesterday. I planned on spending the day shopping while not spending all my money on the kids. They have more than enough clothes, more than enough toys, and lots and lots of food. I had been looking forward to this day for soo long. Thought about it every single day. Planned it in my head. SAVED MONEY for it. Thats right folks. I Momma Parker saved money! And please note- it is not getting chilly outside. Hell has not remotely frozen over. I'm looked forward to doing what I do best. Shopping. I'm looked forward to listening to the radio and not one of Bens movies for the zillionth time. I'm looked forward to getting out of the car and not having to fully disinfect a cart, fit the car cover on, and strap on Laney. I'm looked forward to shopping and not hearing my lovely and adorable toddler tell me "No, this way mommy, this way", as he directs me towards the toy isle. My kid has built in toy isle sonar. Every now and then I like to go to the same store but at a different location, where they have a different layout, just to make it interesting. Never fails.. After about a minute of gathering his barrings. HE hones in on the mass produced-landfill filling plasticy toy isle.
And while it was fun, I spent waay to much money on crap. Seriously, I spent a lot of money and can't really say I have a lot to show for it. But I had fun. And really- you can't put a price on that. I spent the day with my sister and one of my favorite 14 year olds. Guys- I use to change this kids diaper. Now she's changing mine. No. Wait. Not my diaper. But my kids diapers. Okay, back on track. So we did a lot of shopping, and got our nails done at maybe the most awful place ever.. This place shook every one of my germaphobe nerves. And yet, I still sat there and allowed the mean lady to hack at my nails. I even tipped her. My sister even donated her eyebrows to the over zealous wax lady. Why do we do things we don't want to avoid being rude? Eh, I'll get into that on another post.

So, the day had been going exactly as planned. What I didn't plan on was the mom guilt.

Seriously, people warn you left and right about the lack of sleep you'll get. They warn you about the poop, the pee, the vomit, the tantrums- they'll even warn you about your post baby sex life. Or lack there of But NO ONE, not a single soul- not even in Jenny McCarthy warns about it in her books. THE WOMAN TALKS ABOUT SNAIL TRAILS FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!

So here I am folks. I am not warning you about the "Mom Guilt" now known as the MG (serious things always get abbreviations) I am TELLING you- there will be MG. There is no way around it. Unless your soul is dead to the world- you will experience mom guilt, every single day, multiple times a day.

Leading up to my moms day, I went back and fourth on whether or not I should take Delaney. I knew Ben would have a blast with his grandparents. He always does. So I wasn't as worried about him. (And of course I then felt guilty about not feeling guilty about leaving him with the inlaws.) But Laney is so little. And I'm breastfeeding so its a pain to have to pump and then I worried about being engorged all day. I started to rationalize bringing her. I would just put her in my wrap and she would sleep there happy all day. I had myself convinced. But I knew I should try to have a day to myself. But geez did that feel uber selfish. I hated/hate myself for even thinking I need a day to myself. Realistically- it would be a pain getting Laney in and out of the car, and stuffing her back in my wrap. It was hot outside and the girl hates being in her carseat and with all the driving there would be a lot of carseat time. So there would be a lot of in an out and not to mention all the dirty bathrooms I'd have to change her in. The germ argument won me over. My point being though- why is it I STILL feel guilty about wanting a little time to myself? Why do constantly feel like I need to be Donna Reed?

I feel like a failure daily because I can't get all the laundry done, I can't get all the dishes done. I can't get the floors mopped, the furniture dusted, and perfect well balanced food made every single day?! Who the hell put theses standards on me? I'm raising my hand right now guys. Because its me. I do this to myself. There is nothing out there that says I have to be a martyr. I don't have to be a slave for my family. I need to be a mom. And to be a good mom, I don't need to wait on everyone hand and foot. I don't need to have the house immaculate. I don't have to always say and do the right things. What I do need, is to love my family. Be there for them when they need me. Have fun with them. And most importantly- and by far the easiest. I just need to love them. Wholeheartedly.

But really, look at these two. How can one NOT feel guilty for not wanting to spend every waking, and for that matter, sleeping moment with them?!

1 comment:

  1. Crap Angela, i am in such a hurry but I will be back later to write a real comment. Love ya bunches!